Words&Dirt

Summary:

Scott Barry Kaufman’s Rise Above is about the perils of victim mindset and how we can avoid them. In Part One, Kaufman explores the dynamics of victim mindset, including how people get stuck ruminating about their pasts, how we indulge irrational emotions and cognitive distortions, and how we become overly concerned with self-esteem and pleasing others. In Part Two, Kaufman describes the road to self-empowerment, including how we can identity and utilize our innate gifts, how we can train our motivation to serve our best interests, the importance of cultivating gratitude, and how we can ease tribalist tensions and focus on common humanity in group settings.

Key Concepts and Notes:

• I have been following Scott Barry Kaufman’s work since I discovered him in 2020, and I adore his combination of keen intellect and huge heart. His book Transcend changed my life and put me on a new path of self-actualization through service to others. Rise Above is a good blend of necessary social critique, psychological research, and compassionate support for people struggling with victim mindset. It’s not my favorite of his books but it’s very timely given the recent rise in victimhood culture in the USA and elsewhere.
• Rise Above is part of a natural correction that needs to take place in the wake of psychological and therapeutic language exploding into popular culture in the early 2020s during the COVID-19 pandemic. I’m glad that talking about mental health has become destigmatized and the value of developing emotional intelligence has become normalized, but in some ways the pendulum has swung too far. Concept creep abounds, with terms like “trauma” and “narcissism” being overused to the point where many people misunderstand their clinical definitions. In extreme cases, some people weaponize therapeutic language as a form of manipulation and control. Kaufman would like us to keep the social upgrade of mental health awareness but get smarter about how we discuss and pursue mental health.
• Probably the most valuable message in this book is simply that mindset matters. We hear this so much that it can feel like a useless bromide, but it’s so true and so important. In my work as a therapist I often tell my clients that mindset is the fourth pillar of their overall health, along with sleep, diet/nutrition, and exercise/movement. And in some ways, our mindset is the aspect of our health over which we can have the most control. That’s not to imply that changing our attitudes is easy, but it’s definitely possible and there’s nothing stopping us from working every day to shape our mindset to be incrementally more favorable to our flourishing and the flourishing of those around us. Conversely, getting stuck in victim mindset can cripple one’s capacity for healing, growth, and interpersonal connection.
• I don’t think I’ve ever seen an author work so hard to anticipate the complaints of his critics. Kaufman repeatedly bends over backwards to acknowledge, for example, that some people really are victims of past and/or present injustice and that their suffering shouldn’t be discounted. Depending on the reader, this feature of the book may be encouraging or irritating.
• Kaufman does a nice job of challenging “nurture-heavy” theories of mental health with what we know about the strong influence of “nature” on personality, temperament, and relationship formation. Yes, human development is profoundly influenced by our environment, but we also have innate tendencies and traits that steer our reactions, shape our memories, and guide the types of experiences we tend to seek and avoid. Understanding and accepting this reality is critical because otherwise we risk overemphasizing the impact of, for example, dysfunctional attachment histories or traumatic experiences.
• I have a number of critiques of this book, the first of which is that much of the material is recycled from Kaufman’s other books. I take detailed book notes that I can easily cross-reference with notes from other books, and I often found myself coming across sections that overlapped with parts of Transcend and Choose Growth. This is fine for people who are encountering Kaufman for the first time, but I found the relative lack of new material to be a bit disappointing.
• I do worry that those who might benefit most from this book will not read it. Despite Kaufman’s heroic efforts to approach the problem of victim mindset with patience and compassion, I doubt that people trapped in this way of thinking will be willing to hear him out, especially when the message is delivered in the form of an entire book. I really hope I’m wrong about this.
• I think it’s weird that the term “antifragility” isn’t mentioned once in Rise Above. This idea seems so central to Kaufman’s argument, and given his command of the psychological literature, I’m imagining that he made a conscious choice not to include it. If I’m right about that I’d love to hear his reasoning because I think the book would have benefitted from the inclusion of antifragility as a shorthand for “why we need stress/failure/setbacks to help us grow and become stronger.”
• Finally, I don’t think I can get behind Kaufman’s argument that we can use social media “for the good” and as a way to “boost love” (262). I think this is naive and a result of motivated reasoning due to Kaufman’s social media presence. I have no doubt that Kaufman himself is primarily a “love booster” on social media, but I don’t have confidence that humanity is capable to collectively making a shift that would render social media a net positive influence on society. This could change if the financial incentives/choice architecture of the attention economy were to radically shift, but in its current state I do not think social media can be a force for good. I’m happy to own this opinion as perhaps stemming from my own motivated reasoning as someone who hardly uses social media and wishes everyone else would use it less.

Favorite Quotes:

It’s almost as if we’ve stopped believing in our potential for growth and development. Life’s challenges now seem insurmountable, and we’ve begun to cling to diagnostic labels (sometimes even inventing them for ourselves) so strongly that we can’t see ourselves as anything else. Our obstacles have become so ingrained in our self-concept that we don’t recognize what we could become. And we don’t see that these obstacles are, in many cases, our path to our potential––that we become our greatest self because of, not in spite of, life’s challenges.

To be fair, we weren’t exactly getting it right before, either. Society largely overlooked the very real challenges people faced. We were in many ways discouraged from sharing our struggles, and that certainly wasn’t healthy. It’s still true that we have real problems to work through, and the things we are facing can be extremely hard to overcome. Yet somehow along the way, we overcorrected. Our solution has become a problem, too. We’re living in a time where we identify so strongly with our victimhood that our potential has taken a back seat to our pain. (xi-xii)

In these pages I’ve done my best to offer a heaping dose of what I call honest love. The love part is acknowledging real suffering and pain. I sincerely believe that the best starting point to being a caring, compassionate human is to acknowledge that another being is having their own experiences of life, and that it’s just as valid as your own experiences.

But the honest part means we don’t stop there. I’m not here to placate you or to make you feel better than others only because of the challenges you may have faced. I take a humanistic approach to psychology. In this school of thought we focus on common humanity, self-acceptance, life-acceptance (a term I just made up), vitality, and whole-person growth. I believe all of these things are compatible with each other. We can love and accept ourselves for who we are, and also want to learn and grow. (xxv)

These days, when I encounter the word trauma (as I do about every thirty seconds, especially on Instagram), I can’t help but hear the memorable words of Inigo Montoya, a character from the movie The Princess Bride: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

Some of what’s happening here is that we’ve tasked one word with far too much work. We’re making trauma do the heavy lifting of describing every single type of negative or adverse event a human being might experience. And that’s extremely disempowering. As new research shows, our propensity to see trauma lurking around every corner and to self-diagnose with mental health problems has the effect of “pathologizing everyday life.” Many of us now view ourselves as hopelessly traumatized, which we interpret as damaged beyond all repair. Thank goodness that’s not actually the case. (15-6)

When we feel uncomfortable or we’re challenged by our emotions, the deepest reason often boils down to some aspect of a loss of control. We just want things to go our way, to be predictable, to follow an if-then set of rules whereby we can be guaranteed a specific outcome. Well, that ain’t gonna happen. It’s just not life. There will never, ever be a point where everything is 100 percent predictable, and to fight against that fact is a losing battle. Therefore, I believe that the most important emotional skill of all, or perhaps the core skill, is being able to accept the inevitable uncertainty of life.

Anxiety is one of our biggest struggles, and it often arises because we seek certainty, but certainty doesn’t exist. As British philosopher Alan Watts put it, “There is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity.” To struggle against that fact is to create our own suffering…

So leave space for the not knowing. Welcome it, even, because the very fact of an uncertain future means that your story is still being written. (56-7)

The best antidote to a victim mindset is having presence and acceptance with others. The moment we witness the good in others and become motivated to bring it out of them, our preoccupations with our victim identity are forgotten. (74)

While the idea of a single true self may be a convenient fiction, there is within each of us a best self, composed of aspects of you that are healthy, creative, and growth-motivated and make you feel most connected to yourself and to others. The more you can drop the facades and the defenses that you erect to protect yourself, the more you can open yourself up to greater opportunities for growth, development, and creativity. (116)

Healthy self-love requires a respect for oneself and one’s boundaries, and affirmation of the importance of one’s own health, growth, happiness, joy, and freedom. Self-actualizing people have healthy boundaries, practice self-care, and have the capacity to enjoy themselves. Healthy selfishness is rooted in psychological abundance, whereas unhealthy selfishness is rooted in psychological poverty. Healthy selfishness requires self-love. The person who is motivated by healthy selfishness is motivated by a desire to become a unique person, to learn, grow, and be happy. (146)

Where you put your attention is where you put your life. Yes, negative things will happen. Sometimes they’re devastating. But if that’s where we keep our focus, that’s the lens through which we will view the world. And when that happens, as Kimi Katiti says, we rob ourselves of peace. Earlier in the chapter I noted that if all you focus on is your own victimhood, that’s the only part of your identity that you’ll see. Similarly, if all you show people is your victimhood, that’s all they’ll see. Yes, acknowledge your wounds––that’s important. But also remember the part of you that’s not wounded. The part that can’t ever be broken, and see the world through those eyes. Show the world the whole you. (168)

The shit we endure can turn out to be tremendous fertilizer for future growth. (170)

You know what would make a really shitty memoir? People told me I was a piece of crap, and I believed them. THE END.

Or how about this: I experienced a ton of trauma and other hardship, so I gave up. THE END.

Sorry, neither of those is ending up on the Amazon bestseller list because they are terrible stories. And they don’t have to be yours. (211)

Suffering doesn’t feel good. Yet one could argue that we’re built not only to endure it, but also to make it out the other side as better versions of ourselves. I’m not trying to imply that the process is quick, simple, or easy, but it’s a very real phenomenon.

According to psychiatrist Kazimierz Dabrowski and his theory of positive disintegration, experiences that force us to shift our identity or reconsider our values––in other words, disintegrate––are actually necessary if we’re to realize our full potential. It’s this coming apart that enables us to construct ourselves differently, like a building that’s fallen in an earthquake being reengineered to be more flexible and resilient. We learn to adapt, rebuilding a self that more closely resembles who we truly are.

Interestingly, Dabrowski believes that what we often see as indicators of mental illness––such as anxiety and neurosis––can, at least in some cases, actually be indicators that a person is trying to move toward their “personality ideal.” You’re feeling conflict or struggle because you’re not where you want to be, and that’s a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel good. (Don’t mind me, I’m just rebuilding myself!) (219-20)

So what can you do about this? As it turns out, there’s a lot that can be done. Many skills in this book are relevant, such as teaching young people to regulate their emotions appropriately and become aware of their cognitive distortions. But learning to think critically is also essential. Learn to question narratives. Learn to think for yourself. Learn to look at actual evidence and consider all sides. And crucially, people can be encouraged to extend some grace––to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially in those ambivalent situations…Recognize that what you have been told about those people is likely not the full picture, and most certainly doesn’t apply to everyone within that group. In my view, we need to go from cancel culture to grace culture.

And here’s the promising news: If these socialization processes can so effectively instill a victim mindset in so many people and at such an early age, then surely we can take over this system of indoctrination and direct it more positively.

We can seek to instill in young people and in our societies an empowerment mindset. We can teach people that trauma doesn’t have to form the core of our identity, and that it’s possible to grow through our most difficult experiences. We can demonstrate through our own actions that it’s possible to have healthy pride for our in-groups, and that in-group love does not have to be linked to out-group hate. And we can teach that while no one is entitled to special affordances for having suffered, each and every one of us is worthy of being treated with care and compassion. We are all worthy of love and belonging. (257-9)

Rating: 7/10